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25 April 2006 @ 06:02 pm
madeupyourmind will continue here

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I was so fucking numb.

Could hear the screamin', wailing, crying, someone throwin' a wicked little tantrum but it was so disconnected I had to keep reminding myself that those noises were comin' from me. I'd just barely laid eyes on Xander and now he was dead at my feet and there was nothing I could do. He gave up his life for mine and my baby and I couldn't understand it. After everything? I couldn't understand it and it definitely wasn't fair. Wesley's hands were on me, tugging me, pulling me and eventually carrying me as I screamed and begged him to let me go because I had to go back for Xander. Didn't know exactly what he'd said to me but when he finally got me into the car he kept tryin' to tell me not to let it be in vain. Don't let it be in vain, his sacrifice.

I stopped crying then. Everything hurt wicked bad and I knew the baby was comin' now. A little bit early but after everything that had happened I wasn't completely surprised. Xander was dead, baby wanted to be born and I was in a car with Wesley. Didn't say nothin', just sat there in a shocked daze as I stared out the window and cried. Thought about screaming, knew if I really wanted to get away from Wes I could, but I wasn't sure I could even move anymore. Everything felt frozen in time for a few long moments.

Everything happened so fast, like a blur. Like a nightmare I was destined to wake up from any minute. I never woke up though, it just kept goin' on and on until I thought for sure I was dead and this was hell. When I was a kid I used to have one of those Disney slide binocular things, you know the kind. Look through the lenses and you see a picture of Bambi chillin' with Thumper. Click the slide and flash you see another shot of Bambi grazin' all happy in some field. Flash. Bambi's mom crumpled on the ground dead. That was kinda how it felt. Angelus. Flash. Xander on the ground. Flash. I used to make fun of my cousin Sammy, laughed at him when he cried. I wasn't laughing anymore.

When we got to the hospital I just collapsed in the parking lot. Didn't know if it was cause of the drug Angelus had given me, the stress of the baby or the realization that after everything Xander was dead before I could ever apologize to him. All I remembered was Wes desperately tryin' to hold me up as he shouted for help in the parking lot. Help came pretty quickly and before I knew it I was gettin' wheeled inside. From there everything went by really fast, the only thing I was completely aware of was Wes at my side the entire time. All this time I'd wanted this baby, couldn't wait for her to be born and now I didn't want it. Kicked and screamed and scratched til they had to put me under for a C section. All I remembered was the screaming and crying before there was a neelde in my arm and everything was dark.

Waking up was like creepin' slowly out from underneath a warm fuzzy blanket. I wanted the darkness, wanted to stay where there wasn't any pain because I knew the minute I opened my eyes the harsh light of day would blind me. I could only stay under, could only stay floating for so long before I was forced to come to the surface gasping for air. It was bright, sterile, fluroscent lights filled my vision and and for a second I thought everything'd be alright because I felt a hand in mine. Stupid. Stupid Faith. I got mad at xander so I went out to fight a few vampires, a few turned into alot. Spike couldn't help cause he was just a ghost so he had to run and get Xander. I was stupid but Spike and Xander were there to bail my ass out and I was fine. The baby was fine. We were gonna start this whole new life together. My mouth almost twitched into a smile and I squeezed his hand before turning over to look at him.

It wasn't Xander at all, it was Wes who'd been holding my hand. Not Xander. Xander was dead. I lied to him about everything, everything we were....lies. Thought I was doin' the right thing but I was just screwin' everything like I usually did. I lied and he left and before I could ever try to work it out with him. Before I could apologize, tell him how I really felt about him he was gone. I knew there was something to be said for the way he died. Angelus only let go of me because Xander was gettin' in the way. I wonder if Xand knew that if Angelus wanted me dead I would've already been dead. He wanted to hurt me and he knew just how to do it. Take away the thing I loved. Even if I'd never admitted to it, he knew.

I guess the question was, did Xander?

I think it was only a couple seconds for me to figure everything out or at least to remember it all. Long enough for me to groan with the pain and let go of Wesley's hand. Only took one look into his eyes to confirm that it hadn't been a nightmare at all. There was that, plus the realization that I wasn't carrying around anymore extra weight. The baby had been born. Safe? Healthy? I couldn't even ask because if she was safe and healthy it had nothing to do with me. Barely born and I'd already failed her, hadn't been strong enough. For awhile she'd been strong enough for both of us but it just wasn't enough anymore. It never would be.

Without a single word I turned away from Wes, rolled over onto my side cause I didn't wanna have to look him in the eye.
 
 
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Current Music: Please Sister- The Cardigans
 
 
09 April 2006 @ 03:34 pm
Life goes on...Collapse )
 
 
Current Mood: worriedworried